Miss Anne Elk

Cast: Chris (Interviewer) and Anne Elk

Chris: Good evening. Tonight: "dinosaurs". I have here, sitting in the studio next to me, an elk. Ahhhh!!! Oh, I'm sorry! Anne Elk - Mrs Anne Elk

Anne: Miss!

C: Miss Anne Elk, who is an expert on di...

A: N' n' n' n' no! Anne Elk!

C: What?

A: Anne Elk, not Anne Expert!

C: No! No, I was saying that you, Miss Anne Elk, were an , A-N not A-N-N-E, expert...

A: Oh!

C: ...on elks - I'm sorry, on dinosaurs. I'm ...

A: Yes, I certainly am, Chris. How very true. My word yes.

C: Now, Miss Elk - Anne - you have a new theory about the brontosaurus.

A: Can I just say here, Chris for one moment, that I have a new theory about the brontosaurus?

C: Uh... Exactly... What is it?

A: Where?

C: No! No, what is your theory?

A: What is my theory?

C: Yes!

A: What is my theory that it is? Yes. Well, you may well ask what is my theory.

C: I am asking

A: And well you may. Yes, my word, you may well ask what it is, this theory of mine. Well, this theory, that I have, that is to say, which is mine,... is mine.

C: I know it's yours! What is it?

A: ... Where? ... Oh! Oh! What is my theory?

C: Yes!

A: Ahh! My theory, that I have, follows the lines that I am about to relate.

[starts prolonged throat clearing]

C: [under breath] Oh, God!

[Anne still clearing throat]

A: The Theory, by A. Elk (that's "A" for Anne", it's not by a elk.)

C: Right...

A: [clears throat] This theory, which belongs to me, is as follows...

[more throat clearing]

This is how it goes...

[clears throat]

The next thing that I am about to say is my theory.

[clears throat]

Ready?

C: [wimpers]

A: The Theory, by A. Elk [Miss]. My theory is along the following lines...

C: [under breath] God!

A: ...All brontosauruses are thin at one end; much, much thicker in the middle and then thin again at the far end. That is the theory that I have and which is mine and what it is, too.

C: That's it, is it?

A: Right, Chris!

C: Well, Anne, this theory of yours seems to have hit the nail right on the head.

A: ... and it's mine.

C: Thank you for coming along to the studio.

A: My pleasure, Chris.

C: Britain's newest wasp farm...

A: It's been a lot of fun...

C: ...opened last week...

A: ...saying what my theory is...

C: ... Yes, thank you.

A: ...and whose it is.

C: Yes.... opened last week...

A: I have another theory.

C: Not today, thank you.

A: My theory #2, which is the second theory that I have. [clears throat]. This theory...

C: Look! Shut up!

A: ...is what I am about to say.

C: Please shut up!

A: which, with what I have said, are the two theories that are mine which belong to me.

C: If you don't shut up, I shall have to shoot you!

A: [clears throat] My xxx theory, which I posses the ownership of, which belongs to...

[Sound of a single gun shot]

A: [clearing throat] The Theory the Second, by Anne...

[Sound of prolonged machine gun fire]